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Here you will find single parent support articles, and advice on how to find support as a single parent.

Single Parent Fed up with Indulgent Grandma

Single Parent Fed up with Indulgent Grandma

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From  The Boston Globe

Q. I am 26 and a single parent to a 3-year-old girl. I love my daughter more than anything. However, in the past few months, she has become a brat, doing everything she can to test me.

Due to recent financial problems, we had to move in with my mother until I can finish my degree and get a job. No matter what discipline I use, nothing works because my mother undermines me. There is no consistency in what is right or wrong. My mother always gives in to her every request.

Once in a while, I will spank my daughter. My mother, however, cornered me and gave me a lecture on how awful I am for spanking my child. Yet I can clearly recall being spanked by my mother when I was little.

Mom questions my parenting in front of my daughter. I am grateful that she opened her home to us, but I can’t be an effective parent when she constantly undercuts my authority. How can I get her to keep her child-rearing opinions to herself?

TEXAS

A. While we agree with your mother that discipline does not require spanking, we also understand how difficult it is to raise a child when an indulgent grandparent rules the roost. First, have a sit-down discussion with Mom when your daughter is asleep. Get her to acknowledge that a lack of discipline is not healthy for her grandchild. Compromise by agreeing to use different forms of discipline other than spanking. Create rules you can both abide by. If that doesn’t work, bring Mom to your next pediatrician appointment, and ask the doctor to speak to her. And find other living arrangements as soon as possible.

How to be a Single Parent Success

How to be a Single Parent Success

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The reality of single parenting

We hear a lot about single parent households in the news, and how challenging a single parent home can be for children growing up.  As much as single parents don’t want to hear that (especially those who didn’t choose to be a single parent), the challenges should not be ignored.  However, there is research that shows that children of single parents can avoid many challenges, and thrive when they’re provided consistent love and support.

If you search online you can find many resources and organizations, both nationally and locally, that exist to help single parents succeed in raising healthy, well adjusted kids.  And that’s very important, but the critical daily needs of a child, and the managing of daily responsibilities must be shouldered by the single parent.  As we all know, that can be overwhelming at times.

So how do single parents succeed?

Love

Tell your children that you love them.  You’d be surprised how many parents forget to tell their kids that they love them.  Show your kids that you love them.  Show the kids that you love them enough to be a responsible parent.  They will thank you later.

Consistency

Children do best when they have consistent routines and guidelines; and your house runs smoother.  Make sure your child has a consistent schedule and bedtime.  Establish rules and boundaries that are consistently enforced with appropriate consequences for violations.  Don’t forget to praise good behavior.

Communication

Have family meetings once a week to share the up-coming schedule and get feedback from your kids.  You may not think that you need a weekly meeting because you and your child always talk; or your child’s too young, but think again.  As your kids get older, family meeting time may be the only time they can re-connect with the rest of the family.  The longer you wait to start this ritual, the harder it is to maintain in a single parent household.

Attention

Listen to what your kids are saying; especially when they’re not talking.  Know who their friends are; and their friend’s parents.  Know what they’re watching, listening to, and where they’re going online.  Know where your children are at all times.  Again, the older your kids get, the more important this becomes.

We all know that it’s not easy being a single parent, but we can make it easier on our kids and on ourselves if we follow some important rules.

Are You a Single Parent Idiot?

Are You a Single Parent Idiot?

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5 Things Some Single Parents Do that make us All Look Bad

Let’s face it, being a single parent is not the easiest job in the world; and for some it’s overwhelming.  What makes matters worse is that single parents are portrayed in the media as being uneducated, lazy and neglectful.  Some studies even suggest that single parents are raising the next crop of prison inmates.  Because of the negative public image that single parents and their children must overcome, it is frustrating when some single parents do things that make us all look bad.  If you’re reading Single Parent advice websites like this one, you’re probably not ‘one of those’ single parents.  If you know ‘one of those’ single parents, maybe you can tactfully send them this list.

1.  You Send your Kids to School Dirty

Ask any teacher what their pet peeves are when it comes to parents, and right at the top is children who show up to school in dirty clothes and/or in need of a bath.  I know that it isn’t just single parents that are guilty of this, but no matter how stretched you are as a single parent, make sure your children go to school clean.  It helps your child get viewed in a positive way.  It helps your child’s self-esteem.  And it reflects well on you, as a single parent which, in turn helps all single parents.

2.  You Haven’t Given Your Children Structure

If this doesn’t happen early, good luck trying to reign in your middle or high-schooler.  Children thrive on structure.  You don’t have to be a drill sergeant but if you have to be the mom and the dad, you’re going to have to face the fact that you need to be loving but firm.  Let your children know who the parent is; what the rules are, and why they are important.  And let them know what the consequences are if those rules are broken. If you’re consistent, you’ll be surprised how quickly your children willingly stay within the boundaries you’ve set.  And by the time your children reach middle school, they will already have these good habits instilled in them.

3.  You Turn your Child Against the Other Parent

I can hear some single parents saying, ‘I didn’t turn my child against their other parent; the other parent did it by________________’ (fill in the blank).  Whether your child’s other parent is involved and paying child support, or not involved at all; your child is still genetically half of that person.  No matter how horrible the other parent is to you, or even your child, you can still refrain from speaking badly.  You can teach your child that it’s okay to love the other parent but hate their behavior.  Why would you want to do this?  Because your child’s emotional health and self esteem depend on it.  Growing up knowing that you come from two ‘good’ parents; even if one of those parents is making really bad choices right now, helps kids emotionally.  A child who is brought up thinking that one half of the gene pool that created him/her is ‘bad’, can’t help but be convinced that part of that ‘bad’ is inside of them.  And that causes problems later on.

4.  You Burden Your Child with Your Problems

One of the best things that you can do for your child is to let them know that they don’t have to worry.  Sure there will be problems.  Maybe the car breaks down and you don’t know how you’re going to manage.  Or maybe you don’t know how you’re going to come up with the rent money this month. Instead of burdening your child by telling them you don’t have a clue what you’ll do, they need to hear that, no matter what, you are the parent and you will take care of them.  Children need a sense that someone is steering the boat and is taking responsibility.  Children are children, and burdening them with adult issues forces them to worry about things that they’re not mature enough to handle.  If you love your children, you’ll unload on an adult friend; that’s what they’re for.

5.  Your Issues have you Dragging your Children through Multiple Bad Relationships

If you’ve had a messed up childhood and never got counseling for it, chances are you’re still messed up and you’re passing this ‘messed-upness’ onto your children.  You love your kids.  You don’t want to set them up for a lifetime of low self-esteem and broken relationships with all the wrong people.  So before you begin that next screwed-up relationship, go get help.  If not for you; for your kids.

There’s a lot of bad press out there about single parents and the effects of single parenting on children.  And while many of us didn’t choose single parenting, it was thrust upon us, we can still be smart single parents and prove the ‘experts’ wrong.

Mother’s Day: Single Parent Hope

Mother’s Day: Single Parent Hope

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For Mother’s Day – A Story of an exceptional Single Mother

On Mother’s Day I thought it would be nice to highlight an exceptional single mother. I found this article, written by Gregory Phillips in the Fayetteville, NC Observer and was inspired by it. I hope you enjoy it.

Ruby Womack is the calm in the eye of the storm.

A calm she manages to keep while being a single parent to a son, grandson and two foster children.

While working long shifts at an urgent-care center.

While losing her home to last month’s tornado.

The willowy, soft-spoken 59-year-old bears it all with poise and quiet dignity.

“I think I can fix the world, I guess,” she said. “If I stopped, I wouldn’t know what to do.”

Mother’s Day sees the most phone calls of any day of the year, according to a recent study. Womack will be getting at least one of them, from a former foster daughter who lived with her until leaving for college.

“She always calls on Mother’s Day,” Womack said, pride distinct in her voice.

Womack has fostered about 20 children since returning to her hometown 20 years ago after a spell in New York. A friend was fostering two children. Moved by her story, Womack signed up, despite having four children of her own.

Womack is divorced these days, and three of her four children have long flown the nest. She remains a single parent to her quiet, 24-year-old son, Reggie, who suffers bouts of confusion; her grandson Weldon, 13; and two boisterous foster children, brothers ages 6 and 9.

“Kids,” she said. “It’s what I do.”

Apophenia: 5 Secrets to Success

Apophenia: 5 Secrets to Success

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If you are the Type A – Uber-Achiever who just happens to be a single parent, this post is for you.

 

1. “Demo or die.” This was the mantra at the Media Lab and i absolutely detested the process of having to demo Lab work to every visitor who entered the building. It was exhausting and repetitive. Looking back, i can’t tell you how much this changed my world. Through the Lab, i learned to be able to present anything on the fly to any audience. I learned how to squeeze a 30 minute talk into 5 minutes and build on a 5 minute talk to fill an hour with useful information. I learned how to read what people knew and adjust what i was showing them to their interests and level of knowledge. Speaking and expressing ideas to a wide variety of audiences is so important. And it takes practice. A lot of practice. You can’t just hide in a library cubicle for years and then expect to give a stellar job talk. The reason that i speak so often is that i think that i need the practice. I want to learn to get my point across. Sometimes, i fail, but i keep trying.

(This also applies to writing. Be able to write to any audience. Learn to write an op-ed, a persuasive blog post, an academic article, anything and everything! I detest writing; that’s why i started blogging my ideas. Practice practice practice.)

2. “Learn the rules. And then learn how to break them.” I was a punk kid who refused to follow by anyone’s rules. I got kicked out of everywhere. I thought that this was radical. When i was in high school, my mother explained that one of her best skills was telling people to fuck off and go to hell in a ladylike way so that they didn’t even know how to respond. Over the years, i realized that there is immense power in understanding the rules and norms and tweaking them to meet your goals. Rejecting society is fun as a kid; figuring out how to circumnavigate barriers to entry is more fun as an adult. Do it with grace, kindness, and sincerity. (I fear that explicitly stating examples of this here might get me into trouble.)

3. “Diversify your life.” The term diversity is so loaded it’s painful, but i can’t think of a better word to explain what i want to explain. Get to know people from every walk of life. Read books from every discipline. Read different blogs. Attend conferences that address the same issue from a ton of different perspectives. And when you attend those conferences, spend 50% of the time with people you know well and 50% of the time with people that you barely know. One of the best decisions i made at SXSW this year was to not flit around but to hang out with one small group per night and really bond. I hate the concept of “social networking” because it seems so skeevy. The idea isn’t to build a big rolodex, but to build meaningful relationships that exist on multiple levels – professional, personal, etc. The more people and ideas you encounter, the more creative you’ll be able to be and the more that you’ll be able to contribute to a conversation on top of the things that you know deeply through your own work.

To read the entire post click here.

How to Cope With Single Parent Stress

How to Cope With Single Parent Stress

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Don’t let single-parent stress keep you from meeting challenges head-on. Learn how to take care of yourself and your children when doing it alone.

Whether you’ve been a single parent for several weeks or several years, you are not alone. Roughly 17 million children in the U.S. live in single-parent homes, and research suggests that it can take up to three years for a family to adjust to this new lifestyle.

Raising children on your own is challenging, and at times the stress can seem overwhelming. Here is information you can use to help take care of both your children and yourself.

The challenges

It’s hard enough to cope with the emotions a single parent and the children have about a divorce or the death of a partner. But that’s only one of the issues you face when you suddenly find yourself raising kids alone. Other challenges you’re likely to face include:

  • Getting back into the work force after being a stay-at-home parent
  • Being unable to make ends meet, even with child support and a steady income
  • Having no one to share housework and errands
  • Not having enough time to spend with your children
  • Finding adequate day care or babysitting
  • Not having time to socialize, pursue a new relationship, or just relax

Dealing with finances

An alarming number of single-parent households in the U.S. – one in every three headed by a woman and one in every six headed by a man – live below the poverty level. But you don’t need to be living in poverty to be stressed over money.
For instance, your children may have to give up team sports or other activities because the fees are no longer in the budget. Some parents can’t afford health insurance or medication, so children may not have doctor visits. If individual or family counseling is needed, single parents often lack the money to pay for it. And for some parents, just putting food on the table and clothes on their kids’ backs is hard to do.
If you’re having financial problems, these suggestions may help:

  • Try putting yourself on a budget.
  • If you’re struggling to make ends meet from one month to the next, consider working with a credit counselor. To find one near you, you can contact the National Foundation for Credit Counseling at 800-388-2227.
  • Look for ways to cut back. For instance, ask yourself if you really need all those premium cable TV channels. Look at how you and your kids use cell phones. Can you get a cheaper plan that will still meet your needs?
  • If you can’t make your house payment or rent, think about moving in with a family member until you can get your finances straightened out.

You may also qualify for state or federal assistance for food, health care, day care, counseling, job training, and housing. And there are Federal grants available that help single parents continue their education. Contact your state’s social services department to get information on public assistance in your area.

Child care worries

Finding child care can be a major headache for a single parent. Start by asking friends for references for babysitters. Also, visit day care centers before you make any decisions. Make sure the day care center has an open-door policy that allows parents to visit at any time. And find out what other parents think of the facility.
If your child wakes up with a sore throat or if weather conditions shut down school without warning, will you have a backup plan? Talk to friends and family members to see if anyone you know can help out in a pinch. Also, many corporations, childcare centers, and hospitals offer emergency day care services for children who are mildly sick or whose regular arrangements have fallen through.

Sharing the responsibilities

If you come home from a hard day’s work to find dirty dishes piled in the sink, the garbage can overflowing, and muddy paw prints all over your kitchen floor, you won’t be in the best frame of mind to spend quality time with your kids. Get everyone to help. Assign each child chores and work together for 15 or 30 minutes to get things in order. Then you’ll have time to relax together without clutter and confusion getting in the way.

Keep an eye on your health

Don’t let your other obligations make you neglect your health. Make sure to eat right, get enough rest, and engage in at least 30 minutes of physical activity each day.
Also remember your emotional health. Try to ease the stress in your life by remembering to:

  • Find time for yourself. Even if just for a short time, relax with a good book, work on a hobby, or unwind by listening to your favorite music.
  • Get support. Reach out to family members and friends who can take the kids off your hands for a while, drop off a meal, or do a load of laundry for you.
  • Reach out to other single parents. Find a support group so you can share ideas and thoughts with other parents who have similar problems.
  • Socialize. Whether your children spend alternating weekends with your ex or you need to recruit your mother to babysit, find a way to get yourself out of the house and into the presence of grownups when you can.