Parent or Buddy?
We’ve all seen the parent who isn’t really the parent at all. There’s the ‘buddy’ parent who is joined at the hip with their child and doesn’t make a decision without consulting the child. Or the parent who has reversed roles completely with their kid and has made the child the responsible one. When your children are too young to make responsible decisions about much of their lives, is it healthy to live like roommates, or worse, as if you’re the child? Overwhelming research says no. It’s not healthy for the kids or the single parent, yet so many single parents do this very thing. So how do you transition from being a roommate with your kids to being the ‘head of the household’; the lone parent in charge? The first step is to be honest with yourself, recognize unhealthy parenting, and acknowledge that it needs fixing.
When reality hits and a single parent realizes that they are ‘it’; they are the parent in charge and need to take the lead, most of them panic. And while denial and regression are parts of the grieving process, staying stuck there is a disaster for the single parent and their children. The following is a parenting trap that many single parents fall into. If you find yourself relating to this ‘parenting style’ take a long honest look at yourself and ask; ‘do I really want to teach my kids how to be a victim and refuse to take responsibility, or do I want to teach them that taking responsibility for your circumstances leads to growth and a joyful life.’
The Promissory Note
Life does not hold any promises. Everyone knows that, right? Some single parents tend to replay society’s promises over and over. ‘If I do the right thing, look the right way, say the right things, the right mate will come along and we will live happily ever after. I followed the rules but they lied; they owe me!’
If you’re a single parent stuck in the ‘Promissory Note’ lie then you probably married young, gave up pursuing a career, and threw yourself into being a full time wife. That is until the kids came. And then your husband left you for another woman. He lied! He owes me! How dare he say that I stopped paying attention to him after the kids were born. I’m focusing on the kids for both of us. How dare he say that I never make an effort to look attractive anymore. Doesn’t he appreciate my efforts to be ‘super-mom’.
If you’re a single dad you probably married young, pursued your career, and threw yourself into being a full time husband/provider. That is until the kids came and being a provider became more important than being a husband. And then your wife leaves you. She lied! She owes me! How dare she say you’re never around and don’t know your own family anymore. Doesn’t she know that I was working long hours for them. How dare she say that I never make an effort to show you her I’m still attracted to her. Doesn’t she appreciate my efforts to be a great provider.
Parents with the Promissory Note mentality have a hard time letting go of how ‘unfair’ it all is. They refuse to take on the added responsibility of being a single parent (nurturer and provider). Instead they live as if their ex is still responsible for living up to their portion of ‘The promissory Note’, never wanting to acknowledge that the ex-spouse may also have a Promissory Note of their own, that was not lived up to by you. If you are stuck in the Promissory Note mentality you become the perpetual victim; forever focused on how you were ‘wronged’ so that you never have to work on your own short comings. This is an ineffective and unhealthy place to parent from.
The World is Unfair
If you are bitter because your spouse left you and ‘that’s unfair’, I have news for you: The world is not fair. But you already knew that. You didn’t just find this out when your marriage ended. You knew that life was not fair a long time ago. Maybe it was when your beloved pet died. Or when you realized that your best friend since kindergarten dumped you in middle school because your family wasn’t as ‘well off’ as theirs. We know the world is unfair, so why wallow in self-pity? Does it feel good? Well then ask yourself this: When was the last time you enjoyed being around someone who felt sorry for themselves and constantly reminded you that they were a poor helpless victim in a cruel world. You don’t want to be that bitter person, and you surely don’t want to raise your kids to be like that, do you? Everyone has past bad experiences; that’s part of life. Whether you choose to be a victim or a victor is your choice, and yours alone.
So, you can raise your kids as a parent who is the permanent victim of an unfair event that can never be recovered from. Or you can raise you children as a parent who has had many life experiences; one of which happened to be a divorce. I think the healthy choice is clear.