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Are You a Single Parent Idiot?

Are You a Single Parent Idiot?

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5 Things Some Single Parents Do that make us All Look Bad

Let’s face it, being a single parent is not the easiest job in the world; and for some it’s overwhelming.  What makes matters worse is that single parents are portrayed in the media as being uneducated, lazy and neglectful.  Some studies even suggest that single parents are raising the next crop of prison inmates.  Because of the negative public image that single parents and their children must overcome, it is frustrating when some single parents do things that make us all look bad.  If you’re reading Single Parent advice websites like this one, you’re probably not ‘one of those’ single parents.  If you know ‘one of those’ single parents, maybe you can tactfully send them this list.

1.  You Send your Kids to School Dirty

Ask any teacher what their pet peeves are when it comes to parents, and right at the top is children who show up to school in dirty clothes and/or in need of a bath.  I know that it isn’t just single parents that are guilty of this, but no matter how stretched you are as a single parent, make sure your children go to school clean.  It helps your child get viewed in a positive way.  It helps your child’s self-esteem.  And it reflects well on you, as a single parent which, in turn helps all single parents.

2.  You Haven’t Given Your Children Structure

If this doesn’t happen early, good luck trying to reign in your middle or high-schooler.  Children thrive on structure.  You don’t have to be a drill sergeant but if you have to be the mom and the dad, you’re going to have to face the fact that you need to be loving but firm.  Let your children know who the parent is; what the rules are, and why they are important.  And let them know what the consequences are if those rules are broken. If you’re consistent, you’ll be surprised how quickly your children willingly stay within the boundaries you’ve set.  And by the time your children reach middle school, they will already have these good habits instilled in them.

3.  You Turn your Child Against the Other Parent

I can hear some single parents saying, ‘I didn’t turn my child against their other parent; the other parent did it by________________’ (fill in the blank).  Whether your child’s other parent is involved and paying child support, or not involved at all; your child is still genetically half of that person.  No matter how horrible the other parent is to you, or even your child, you can still refrain from speaking badly.  You can teach your child that it’s okay to love the other parent but hate their behavior.  Why would you want to do this?  Because your child’s emotional health and self esteem depend on it.  Growing up knowing that you come from two ‘good’ parents; even if one of those parents is making really bad choices right now, helps kids emotionally.  A child who is brought up thinking that one half of the gene pool that created him/her is ‘bad’, can’t help but be convinced that part of that ‘bad’ is inside of them.  And that causes problems later on.

4.  You Burden Your Child with Your Problems

One of the best things that you can do for your child is to let them know that they don’t have to worry.  Sure there will be problems.  Maybe the car breaks down and you don’t know how you’re going to manage.  Or maybe you don’t know how you’re going to come up with the rent money this month. Instead of burdening your child by telling them you don’t have a clue what you’ll do, they need to hear that, no matter what, you are the parent and you will take care of them.  Children need a sense that someone is steering the boat and is taking responsibility.  Children are children, and burdening them with adult issues forces them to worry about things that they’re not mature enough to handle.  If you love your children, you’ll unload on an adult friend; that’s what they’re for.

5.  Your Issues have you Dragging your Children through Multiple Bad Relationships

If you’ve had a messed up childhood and never got counseling for it, chances are you’re still messed up and you’re passing this ‘messed-upness’ onto your children.  You love your kids.  You don’t want to set them up for a lifetime of low self-esteem and broken relationships with all the wrong people.  So before you begin that next screwed-up relationship, go get help.  If not for you; for your kids.

There’s a lot of bad press out there about single parents and the effects of single parenting on children.  And while many of us didn’t choose single parenting, it was thrust upon us, we can still be smart single parents and prove the ‘experts’ wrong.

Mother’s Day: Single Parent Hope

Mother’s Day: Single Parent Hope

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For Mother’s Day – A Story of an exceptional Single Mother

On Mother’s Day I thought it would be nice to highlight an exceptional single mother. I found this article, written by Gregory Phillips in the Fayetteville, NC Observer and was inspired by it. I hope you enjoy it.

Ruby Womack is the calm in the eye of the storm.

A calm she manages to keep while being a single parent to a son, grandson and two foster children.

While working long shifts at an urgent-care center.

While losing her home to last month’s tornado.

The willowy, soft-spoken 59-year-old bears it all with poise and quiet dignity.

“I think I can fix the world, I guess,” she said. “If I stopped, I wouldn’t know what to do.”

Mother’s Day sees the most phone calls of any day of the year, according to a recent study. Womack will be getting at least one of them, from a former foster daughter who lived with her until leaving for college.

“She always calls on Mother’s Day,” Womack said, pride distinct in her voice.

Womack has fostered about 20 children since returning to her hometown 20 years ago after a spell in New York. A friend was fostering two children. Moved by her story, Womack signed up, despite having four children of her own.

Womack is divorced these days, and three of her four children have long flown the nest. She remains a single parent to her quiet, 24-year-old son, Reggie, who suffers bouts of confusion; her grandson Weldon, 13; and two boisterous foster children, brothers ages 6 and 9.

“Kids,” she said. “It’s what I do.”

Apophenia: 5 Secrets to Success

Apophenia: 5 Secrets to Success

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If you are the Type A – Uber-Achiever who just happens to be a single parent, this post is for you.

 

1. “Demo or die.” This was the mantra at the Media Lab and i absolutely detested the process of having to demo Lab work to every visitor who entered the building. It was exhausting and repetitive. Looking back, i can’t tell you how much this changed my world. Through the Lab, i learned to be able to present anything on the fly to any audience. I learned how to squeeze a 30 minute talk into 5 minutes and build on a 5 minute talk to fill an hour with useful information. I learned how to read what people knew and adjust what i was showing them to their interests and level of knowledge. Speaking and expressing ideas to a wide variety of audiences is so important. And it takes practice. A lot of practice. You can’t just hide in a library cubicle for years and then expect to give a stellar job talk. The reason that i speak so often is that i think that i need the practice. I want to learn to get my point across. Sometimes, i fail, but i keep trying.

(This also applies to writing. Be able to write to any audience. Learn to write an op-ed, a persuasive blog post, an academic article, anything and everything! I detest writing; that’s why i started blogging my ideas. Practice practice practice.)

2. “Learn the rules. And then learn how to break them.” I was a punk kid who refused to follow by anyone’s rules. I got kicked out of everywhere. I thought that this was radical. When i was in high school, my mother explained that one of her best skills was telling people to fuck off and go to hell in a ladylike way so that they didn’t even know how to respond. Over the years, i realized that there is immense power in understanding the rules and norms and tweaking them to meet your goals. Rejecting society is fun as a kid; figuring out how to circumnavigate barriers to entry is more fun as an adult. Do it with grace, kindness, and sincerity. (I fear that explicitly stating examples of this here might get me into trouble.)

3. “Diversify your life.” The term diversity is so loaded it’s painful, but i can’t think of a better word to explain what i want to explain. Get to know people from every walk of life. Read books from every discipline. Read different blogs. Attend conferences that address the same issue from a ton of different perspectives. And when you attend those conferences, spend 50% of the time with people you know well and 50% of the time with people that you barely know. One of the best decisions i made at SXSW this year was to not flit around but to hang out with one small group per night and really bond. I hate the concept of “social networking” because it seems so skeevy. The idea isn’t to build a big rolodex, but to build meaningful relationships that exist on multiple levels – professional, personal, etc. The more people and ideas you encounter, the more creative you’ll be able to be and the more that you’ll be able to contribute to a conversation on top of the things that you know deeply through your own work.

To read the entire post click here.

5 Tips for Single Parents with Teenagers

5 Tips for Single Parents with Teenagers

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Single parents and teenagers – these two words bring to mind the most challenging phases of life. I know because I was raised by a single parent, and not so long ago I was a teenager. I remember the life challenges my own mother encountered as a single parent. Here are 5 tips to help you navigate the ever changing challenges of being a single parent:

Remember you are still a family

Regardless of the circumstances your family is still a family – even if it does not have two parents. There are many single parent families that are emotionally healthy. It is a matter of choice, not luck. They choose to make their families emotionally healthy, fun and one that is filled with positive memories.

Parent Tip #1: Think about the ideals that you want your family to be known for, and write them down. Perhaps make a door hanger or craft that contains symbols of these ideals to remind you of them.

Talk with your teen about their feelings

As you may know, your teen may also be experiencing feelings of loss. Regardless of the age and circumstances, your child may have feelings of sadness or anger or just feeling different than their peers. Allow your son/daughter to talk to about how they are feeling. This will also help the relationship you have with them. If you are concerned about your teenager’s adjustment to the divorce, then I suggest you find a qualified professional counselor to help your teenager.

Parent Tip #2: Look for teachable moments. Those special times when you know your teen is really listening to you, and is engaged, and take advantage of it. Teachable moments are a rarity, so seize the moment. Fina a qualified professional counselor for your teenager to talk with to help adjust to the divorce.

Stay involved

As best you can, continue to be involved in their lives. Show them you are still committed to them despite your stresses. Consistency in your behavior will shout louder than your words.

Parent Tip #3: Attend school functions. Find those things you both have to do anyways throughout the week and do them together. Eat meals together. Go for a morning or evening walk together.

Teach responsibility

Teenagers are usually begging for parents to give them their independence. One of the best ways to teach responsibility is to give them chores to do around the home. Address chores not as something you are nagging them to do, but an opportunity for your teenager to show he/she is responsible to handle more independence.



Parent Tip #4: Start with small responsibilities and then work into more independence with greater responsibilities. For example, you may begin with teaching them to do their own laundry before letting them drive your vehicle.

Live within your means

Parents often incur a great deal of financial debt in order to “care” for their teenagers. They want them to have the right kind of clothes, have their own cars and other “necessities” the teenager says they “need.” This approach is lose-lose for everyone. Teenagers are not taught about proper spending, and the parents’ credit card bills stack up as does their financial stress.

Parent Tip #5: Educate your child on healthy spending habits. If they are of employment age, have them work to earn money to pay for their own “necessities.” Likewise, educate yourself on healthy spending habits.

Single parenting may not be the ideal parenting circumstances. However, it can be done right with children that are happy, confident, and achievers. Each parent can play an essential role in their children’s well being. How about you? Are you struggling being a single parent? Take the reigns of being a single parent to make a difference in the life of your teenager! Do it now before your teenager becomes a young adult.

Single Parent Dad: Paging Mr. Mom

Single Parent Dad: Paging Mr. Mom

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I thought this article over at the Huffington Post was very informative. Enjoy.

Being a divorced parent means being a single parent. One of the most
fundamental reasons for the breakdown of a marriage is loss of empathy
for a spouse. It can therefore come as quite a shock to newly single
dads as to just how difficult it can be to raise kids on your own. Not
every guy can slip effortlessly into his new-found responsibilities.
Even worse — we’re scared to ask for help (probably for the same reason
we refuse to ask for directions when we’re driving despite being
hopelessly lost). In no particular order, here are some general tips
around the whole experience that I’ve found useful. As always, when it
comes to being a parent there are no rules except for giving love and
following your instincts as every relationship, every kid, and every
parent are unique.

To read the entire article click here.

Parenting Advice – Are You a Parent?

Parenting Advice – Are You a Parent?

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Parent or Buddy?

We’ve all seen the parent who isn’t really the parent at all. There’s the ‘buddy’ parent who is joined at the hip with their child and doesn’t make a decision without consulting the child. Or the parent who has reversed roles completely with their kid and has made the child the responsible one. When your children are too young to make responsible decisions about much of their lives, is it healthy to live like roommates, or worse, as if you’re the child? Overwhelming research says no. It’s not healthy for the kids or the single parent, yet so many single parents do this very thing. So how do you transition from being a roommate with your kids to being the ‘head of the household’; the lone parent in charge? The first step is to be honest with yourself, recognize unhealthy parenting, and acknowledge that it needs fixing.

When reality hits and a single parent realizes that they are ‘it’; they are the parent in charge and need to take the lead, most of them panic. And while denial and regression are parts of the grieving process, staying stuck there is a disaster for the single parent and their children. The following is a parenting trap that many single parents fall into. If you find yourself relating to this ‘parenting style’ take a long honest look at yourself and ask; ‘do I really want to teach my kids how to be a victim and refuse to take responsibility, or do I want to teach them that taking responsibility for your circumstances leads to growth and a joyful life.’

The Promissory Note

Life does not hold any promises. Everyone knows that, right? Some single parents tend to replay society’s promises over and over. ‘If I do the right thing, look the right way, say the right things, the right mate will come along and we will live happily ever after. I followed the rules but they lied; they owe me!’

If you’re a single parent stuck in the ‘Promissory Note’ lie then you probably married young, gave up pursuing a career, and threw yourself into being a full time wife. That is until the kids came. And then your husband left you for another woman. He lied! He owes me! How dare he say that I stopped paying attention to him after the kids were born. I’m focusing on the kids for both of us. How dare he say that I never make an effort to look attractive anymore. Doesn’t he appreciate my efforts to be ‘super-mom’.

If you’re a single dad you probably married young, pursued your career, and threw yourself into being a full time husband/provider. That is until the kids came and being a provider became more important than being a husband. And then your wife leaves you. She lied! She owes me! How dare she say you’re never around and don’t know your own family anymore. Doesn’t she know that I was working long hours for them. How dare she say that I never make an effort to show you her I’m still attracted to her. Doesn’t she appreciate my efforts to be a great provider.

Parents with the Promissory Note mentality have a hard time letting go of how ‘unfair’ it all is. They refuse to take on the added responsibility of being a single parent (nurturer and provider). Instead they live as if their ex is still responsible for living up to their portion of ‘The promissory Note’, never wanting to acknowledge that the ex-spouse may also have a Promissory Note of their own, that was not lived up to by you. If you are stuck in the Promissory Note mentality you become the perpetual victim; forever focused on how you were ‘wronged’ so that you never have to work on your own short comings. This is an ineffective and unhealthy place to parent from.

The World is Unfair

If you are bitter because your spouse left you and ‘that’s unfair’, I have news for you: The world is not fair. But you already knew that. You didn’t just find this out when your marriage ended. You knew that life was not fair a long time ago. Maybe it was when your beloved pet died. Or when you realized that your best friend since kindergarten dumped you in middle school because your family wasn’t as ‘well off’ as theirs. We know the world is unfair, so why wallow in self-pity? Does it feel good? Well then ask yourself this: When was the last time you enjoyed being around someone who felt sorry for themselves and constantly reminded you that they were a poor helpless victim in a cruel world. You don’t want to be that bitter person, and you surely don’t want to raise your kids to be like that, do you? Everyone has past bad experiences; that’s part of life. Whether you choose to be a victim or a victor is your choice, and yours alone.

So, you can raise your kids as a parent who is the permanent victim of an unfair event that can never be recovered from. Or you can raise you children as a parent who has had many life experiences; one of which happened to be a divorce. I think the healthy choice is clear.