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The Divorce is Over – Now What? New Single Parent Reality

The Divorce is Over – Now What? New Single Parent Reality

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Cutting up Marriage Certificate

For some, going through a divorce can feel like all your hopes and dreams were just crushed under a huge pile of bricks; while for others it can feel like a pile of bricks was lifted from your back. Either way, moving on as a single parent is a new and sometimes challenging experience. Let’s look at some of the things that might crop up as you start your single parent life.

Feeling Lonely

One of the more challenging aspects of being a single parent is the feeling of being alone. Sometimes being alone can be a positive thing but if you are missing that special connection with another adult then you are not alone. Rather than putting yourself out there in the “market” right away take some time for you. Companionship can be found in many healthy activities such as craft groups, support groups, a bowling team, or anywhere you can make new friends and not feel so alone.

Healing Time

Give yourself some time to heal before dating again. For some, healing can involve learning to love yourselves again, and for others it could be learning to be on your own as a single parent. As much as you may feel like you can never do this alone don’t jump into another relationship until you have proven to yourself that you can. For some this can prove to be a struggle but it is possible.  The only true way to have a healthy relationship with anyone is to be a whole (healed) person before you begin a relationship.

Find Support

Build a support group of friends and family. Choose only those who help you to feel good about yourself. Disconnect from those who put you down or doubt your abilities. You don’t need those people.  And yes, you can tell them.  Simply say that if they don’t have something positive to contribute then you can’t be around them right now. They will either change their ways or move on.  If you find yourself without positive support or just would like more then you can always turn to local church groups in your community. Many larger churches have single parent support groups.

Children Need Healing and Support as Well

Your children need time to adjust to their new normal.  Healing and support is crucial for them as well.  No matter how adjusted you thing you are, think about where your kids are in their adjustment journey before you think about starting a new relationship.  And when they are ready, and you’re thinking about dating, ask yourself:  Will this person be a good influence? How soon should I introduce a new person into my child’s life? How will my child react? These are all valid questions and there is no one correct answer. The best thing to do is to consider these questions and more before you even consider dating.

You Will Adapt and Thrive as a Single Parent if you Allow Yourself

Adjusting to being a single parent is sometimes quite hard. Don’t give up on yourself though. You will adjust, heal, and become a better person/parent for your children.

When is it OK to Leave my Children Home Alone?

When is it OK to Leave my Children Home Alone?

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As a single parent you may be asking yourself, ‘when can I start leaving my children home alone?’ This may be out of necessity or because your children seem mature enough and don’t want to go with you everywhere you go.

Before you make the decision to leave you children home alone there are many things to consider. The following is a link to an article that covers everything that you need to think about and address before you decide to leave your children at home without you.

Children Home Alone – Decide When to Leave Them Home

Why It’s Better to Be a Single Parent

Why It’s Better to Be a Single Parent

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This article comes to us from Dishon & Block

Being a single parent is not an ideal situation. No matter how you spin it, almost everyone agrees that having two parents is better than one. However, being a single parent post-divorce or separation gets a worse rep than it deserves, and there are advantages to raising children alone.

Rather than trying to work with your ex to make parenting compromises, you’ll get to make your own decisions. Kerri Zane, single mother advisor, offers five reasons that being a single parent actually can be better:

1- No negotiations necessary. Parents trying to co-parent will continue to fight and deal with disagreeing views on how to raise their children. All the fighting and disagreeing can make both environments unhealthy for your child. As a single parent you can be the security blanket and the healthy, loving parent that your child needs.

You can read the entire article here.

Single Parents Have Questions

Single Parents Have Questions

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As I search the internet for things to help single parents with their desire to be the best parents they can be, I come across many questions posted by single parents.

As I come across questions that single parents are asking, I will post them in a new category called Single Parent Questions.  My hope is that you will be able to find answers to some of your single parent questions.  If not, leave a question in the comments and we’ll try to find some answers for you.

Just as a Note:  The answers to many of the questions do not necessarily reflect my own oppinion on the suject matter.

Single Parent Fed up with Indulgent Grandma

Single Parent Fed up with Indulgent Grandma

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From  The Boston Globe

Q. I am 26 and a single parent to a 3-year-old girl. I love my daughter more than anything. However, in the past few months, she has become a brat, doing everything she can to test me.

Due to recent financial problems, we had to move in with my mother until I can finish my degree and get a job. No matter what discipline I use, nothing works because my mother undermines me. There is no consistency in what is right or wrong. My mother always gives in to her every request.

Once in a while, I will spank my daughter. My mother, however, cornered me and gave me a lecture on how awful I am for spanking my child. Yet I can clearly recall being spanked by my mother when I was little.

Mom questions my parenting in front of my daughter. I am grateful that she opened her home to us, but I can’t be an effective parent when she constantly undercuts my authority. How can I get her to keep her child-rearing opinions to herself?

TEXAS

A. While we agree with your mother that discipline does not require spanking, we also understand how difficult it is to raise a child when an indulgent grandparent rules the roost. First, have a sit-down discussion with Mom when your daughter is asleep. Get her to acknowledge that a lack of discipline is not healthy for her grandchild. Compromise by agreeing to use different forms of discipline other than spanking. Create rules you can both abide by. If that doesn’t work, bring Mom to your next pediatrician appointment, and ask the doctor to speak to her. And find other living arrangements as soon as possible.

How to Raise a Teenage Boy as a Single Parent

How to Raise a Teenage Boy as a Single Parent

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It is very hard being a single parent to a teenage boy. Not only do you have to be kind, caring and nurturing, but also tough, hard and be able to stay in control.

Instructions

  • First and foremost, the most important thing that you can do as your little boy grows up, is to grow with him. Flexibility is the key tool! As your cute little angel turns into a testosterone filled adolescent – you too, will have a great deal of changing to do.
    In the early days, you are the boss; however, little by little, you need to give more and more responsibility. Your ultimate goal here is to become his friend; his confidante.
  • Boundaries are a big issue. All teenage boys will push these to the very limit. However, many young men that I have spoken to, have all agreed, that when looking back on their teenage years, boundaries set by their parent/s indicated that they were loved and cared for.
  • Always be attentive and sensitive to your son’s feelings. Boys find opening up extremely difficult. You will probably have to find new ways of talking to your son now. Be patient and do not nag. In addition, always tell your son that you are proud of him and that you love him, no matter how old. Furthermore, support your son in his choices and praise him when he begins to make these; remember, this is a big step in growing up.
  • As a single parent, it is very important to encourage your teenage son to have good relationships with other people. A grandparent, Uncle, Aunt or a neighbour. This gives your son somebody else to talk to and also provides other role models.
  • So often we feel that we have actually no impact whatsoever on our teen. However, we must remember that all the good values and morals that you have shown as he has been growing up, will not have gone to waste. Many parents find that some, if not all of these attitudes are emulated by their sons. There is no greater satisfaction than this.
  • Never allow things to get so far as a shouting match, or worse, violence. Remember, he will be probably taller and much bigger than you. If he strikes out too in a temper, he will regret this for years to come. if you feel the situation getting out of hand…..walk away! Explain that you will discuss the matter at another time, when you are both much calmer. I found that when I tried to talk to my son, I would end up sitting him down, turning the TV off and looking him in the eyes. Every time I did this, no matter what the subject, he would blow up like a fuse and an argument would commence. Since, I have found that he found this tactic too confrontational. Therefore, when I need to discuss matters with him now, I usually begin the conversation when we are in the car or washing up, etc. I seem to receive a better outcome.
  • It is paramount that you do not talk to your teen. However, it is important that you share conversations and actually listen to what he is telling you. Moreover, understanding that your son does have his own viewpoint and learning to accept and respect this, will add mutual respect to your relationship. Managing a teenage boy is “mission impossible”, although, living with one can be fun!
  • Finally, as previously stated, but I cannot reiterate this enough – set firm and clear boundaries…..yes teenage boys do need structure.

If a strategy does not work – change it!

Lighten up – take time out together. Ensure that you do something together, either every week or every month, such as going to the cinema, eating out, bowling or even a walk together. I find all sorts out from my son on these occasions. When I have asked, “why did you not tell me that before”, he would retort, “I dunno”.

Remember, life can be hard, what with work and commitments, we sometimes forget what it is like to have fun. So go ahead, grab your son and go have some fun!