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Are You a Single Parent Idiot?

Are You a Single Parent Idiot?

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5 Things Some Single Parents Do that make us All Look Bad

Let’s face it, being a single parent is not the easiest job in the world; and for some it’s overwhelming.  What makes matters worse is that single parents are portrayed in the media as being uneducated, lazy and neglectful.  Some studies even suggest that single parents are raising the next crop of prison inmates.  Because of the negative public image that single parents and their children must overcome, it is frustrating when some single parents do things that make us all look bad.  If you’re reading Single Parent advice websites like this one, you’re probably not ‘one of those’ single parents.  If you know ‘one of those’ single parents, maybe you can tactfully send them this list.

1.  You Send your Kids to School Dirty

Ask any teacher what their pet peeves are when it comes to parents, and right at the top is children who show up to school in dirty clothes and/or in need of a bath.  I know that it isn’t just single parents that are guilty of this, but no matter how stretched you are as a single parent, make sure your children go to school clean.  It helps your child get viewed in a positive way.  It helps your child’s self-esteem.  And it reflects well on you, as a single parent which, in turn helps all single parents.

2.  You Haven’t Given Your Children Structure

If this doesn’t happen early, good luck trying to reign in your middle or high-schooler.  Children thrive on structure.  You don’t have to be a drill sergeant but if you have to be the mom and the dad, you’re going to have to face the fact that you need to be loving but firm.  Let your children know who the parent is; what the rules are, and why they are important.  And let them know what the consequences are if those rules are broken. If you’re consistent, you’ll be surprised how quickly your children willingly stay within the boundaries you’ve set.  And by the time your children reach middle school, they will already have these good habits instilled in them.

3.  You Turn your Child Against the Other Parent

I can hear some single parents saying, ‘I didn’t turn my child against their other parent; the other parent did it by________________’ (fill in the blank).  Whether your child’s other parent is involved and paying child support, or not involved at all; your child is still genetically half of that person.  No matter how horrible the other parent is to you, or even your child, you can still refrain from speaking badly.  You can teach your child that it’s okay to love the other parent but hate their behavior.  Why would you want to do this?  Because your child’s emotional health and self esteem depend on it.  Growing up knowing that you come from two ‘good’ parents; even if one of those parents is making really bad choices right now, helps kids emotionally.  A child who is brought up thinking that one half of the gene pool that created him/her is ‘bad’, can’t help but be convinced that part of that ‘bad’ is inside of them.  And that causes problems later on.

4.  You Burden Your Child with Your Problems

One of the best things that you can do for your child is to let them know that they don’t have to worry.  Sure there will be problems.  Maybe the car breaks down and you don’t know how you’re going to manage.  Or maybe you don’t know how you’re going to come up with the rent money this month. Instead of burdening your child by telling them you don’t have a clue what you’ll do, they need to hear that, no matter what, you are the parent and you will take care of them.  Children need a sense that someone is steering the boat and is taking responsibility.  Children are children, and burdening them with adult issues forces them to worry about things that they’re not mature enough to handle.  If you love your children, you’ll unload on an adult friend; that’s what they’re for.

5.  Your Issues have you Dragging your Children through Multiple Bad Relationships

If you’ve had a messed up childhood and never got counseling for it, chances are you’re still messed up and you’re passing this ‘messed-upness’ onto your children.  You love your kids.  You don’t want to set them up for a lifetime of low self-esteem and broken relationships with all the wrong people.  So before you begin that next screwed-up relationship, go get help.  If not for you; for your kids.

There’s a lot of bad press out there about single parents and the effects of single parenting on children.  And while many of us didn’t choose single parenting, it was thrust upon us, we can still be smart single parents and prove the ‘experts’ wrong.

Mother’s Day: Single Parent Hope

Mother’s Day: Single Parent Hope

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For Mother’s Day – A Story of an exceptional Single Mother

On Mother’s Day I thought it would be nice to highlight an exceptional single mother. I found this article, written by Gregory Phillips in the Fayetteville, NC Observer and was inspired by it. I hope you enjoy it.

Ruby Womack is the calm in the eye of the storm.

A calm she manages to keep while being a single parent to a son, grandson and two foster children.

While working long shifts at an urgent-care center.

While losing her home to last month’s tornado.

The willowy, soft-spoken 59-year-old bears it all with poise and quiet dignity.

“I think I can fix the world, I guess,” she said. “If I stopped, I wouldn’t know what to do.”

Mother’s Day sees the most phone calls of any day of the year, according to a recent study. Womack will be getting at least one of them, from a former foster daughter who lived with her until leaving for college.

“She always calls on Mother’s Day,” Womack said, pride distinct in her voice.

Womack has fostered about 20 children since returning to her hometown 20 years ago after a spell in New York. A friend was fostering two children. Moved by her story, Womack signed up, despite having four children of her own.

Womack is divorced these days, and three of her four children have long flown the nest. She remains a single parent to her quiet, 24-year-old son, Reggie, who suffers bouts of confusion; her grandson Weldon, 13; and two boisterous foster children, brothers ages 6 and 9.

“Kids,” she said. “It’s what I do.”

Apophenia: 5 Secrets to Success

Apophenia: 5 Secrets to Success

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If you are the Type A – Uber-Achiever who just happens to be a single parent, this post is for you.

 

1. “Demo or die.” This was the mantra at the Media Lab and i absolutely detested the process of having to demo Lab work to every visitor who entered the building. It was exhausting and repetitive. Looking back, i can’t tell you how much this changed my world. Through the Lab, i learned to be able to present anything on the fly to any audience. I learned how to squeeze a 30 minute talk into 5 minutes and build on a 5 minute talk to fill an hour with useful information. I learned how to read what people knew and adjust what i was showing them to their interests and level of knowledge. Speaking and expressing ideas to a wide variety of audiences is so important. And it takes practice. A lot of practice. You can’t just hide in a library cubicle for years and then expect to give a stellar job talk. The reason that i speak so often is that i think that i need the practice. I want to learn to get my point across. Sometimes, i fail, but i keep trying.

(This also applies to writing. Be able to write to any audience. Learn to write an op-ed, a persuasive blog post, an academic article, anything and everything! I detest writing; that’s why i started blogging my ideas. Practice practice practice.)

2. “Learn the rules. And then learn how to break them.” I was a punk kid who refused to follow by anyone’s rules. I got kicked out of everywhere. I thought that this was radical. When i was in high school, my mother explained that one of her best skills was telling people to fuck off and go to hell in a ladylike way so that they didn’t even know how to respond. Over the years, i realized that there is immense power in understanding the rules and norms and tweaking them to meet your goals. Rejecting society is fun as a kid; figuring out how to circumnavigate barriers to entry is more fun as an adult. Do it with grace, kindness, and sincerity. (I fear that explicitly stating examples of this here might get me into trouble.)

3. “Diversify your life.” The term diversity is so loaded it’s painful, but i can’t think of a better word to explain what i want to explain. Get to know people from every walk of life. Read books from every discipline. Read different blogs. Attend conferences that address the same issue from a ton of different perspectives. And when you attend those conferences, spend 50% of the time with people you know well and 50% of the time with people that you barely know. One of the best decisions i made at SXSW this year was to not flit around but to hang out with one small group per night and really bond. I hate the concept of “social networking” because it seems so skeevy. The idea isn’t to build a big rolodex, but to build meaningful relationships that exist on multiple levels – professional, personal, etc. The more people and ideas you encounter, the more creative you’ll be able to be and the more that you’ll be able to contribute to a conversation on top of the things that you know deeply through your own work.

To read the entire post click here.

How to Cope With Single Parent Stress

How to Cope With Single Parent Stress

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Don’t let single-parent stress keep you from meeting challenges head-on. Learn how to take care of yourself and your children when doing it alone.

Whether you’ve been a single parent for several weeks or several years, you are not alone. Roughly 17 million children in the U.S. live in single-parent homes, and research suggests that it can take up to three years for a family to adjust to this new lifestyle.

Raising children on your own is challenging, and at times the stress can seem overwhelming. Here is information you can use to help take care of both your children and yourself.

The challenges

It’s hard enough to cope with the emotions a single parent and the children have about a divorce or the death of a partner. But that’s only one of the issues you face when you suddenly find yourself raising kids alone. Other challenges you’re likely to face include:

  • Getting back into the work force after being a stay-at-home parent
  • Being unable to make ends meet, even with child support and a steady income
  • Having no one to share housework and errands
  • Not having enough time to spend with your children
  • Finding adequate day care or babysitting
  • Not having time to socialize, pursue a new relationship, or just relax

Dealing with finances

An alarming number of single-parent households in the U.S. – one in every three headed by a woman and one in every six headed by a man – live below the poverty level. But you don’t need to be living in poverty to be stressed over money.
For instance, your children may have to give up team sports or other activities because the fees are no longer in the budget. Some parents can’t afford health insurance or medication, so children may not have doctor visits. If individual or family counseling is needed, single parents often lack the money to pay for it. And for some parents, just putting food on the table and clothes on their kids’ backs is hard to do.
If you’re having financial problems, these suggestions may help:

  • Try putting yourself on a budget.
  • If you’re struggling to make ends meet from one month to the next, consider working with a credit counselor. To find one near you, you can contact the National Foundation for Credit Counseling at 800-388-2227.
  • Look for ways to cut back. For instance, ask yourself if you really need all those premium cable TV channels. Look at how you and your kids use cell phones. Can you get a cheaper plan that will still meet your needs?
  • If you can’t make your house payment or rent, think about moving in with a family member until you can get your finances straightened out.

You may also qualify for state or federal assistance for food, health care, day care, counseling, job training, and housing. And there are Federal grants available that help single parents continue their education. Contact your state’s social services department to get information on public assistance in your area.

Child care worries

Finding child care can be a major headache for a single parent. Start by asking friends for references for babysitters. Also, visit day care centers before you make any decisions. Make sure the day care center has an open-door policy that allows parents to visit at any time. And find out what other parents think of the facility.
If your child wakes up with a sore throat or if weather conditions shut down school without warning, will you have a backup plan? Talk to friends and family members to see if anyone you know can help out in a pinch. Also, many corporations, childcare centers, and hospitals offer emergency day care services for children who are mildly sick or whose regular arrangements have fallen through.

Sharing the responsibilities

If you come home from a hard day’s work to find dirty dishes piled in the sink, the garbage can overflowing, and muddy paw prints all over your kitchen floor, you won’t be in the best frame of mind to spend quality time with your kids. Get everyone to help. Assign each child chores and work together for 15 or 30 minutes to get things in order. Then you’ll have time to relax together without clutter and confusion getting in the way.

Keep an eye on your health

Don’t let your other obligations make you neglect your health. Make sure to eat right, get enough rest, and engage in at least 30 minutes of physical activity each day.
Also remember your emotional health. Try to ease the stress in your life by remembering to:

  • Find time for yourself. Even if just for a short time, relax with a good book, work on a hobby, or unwind by listening to your favorite music.
  • Get support. Reach out to family members and friends who can take the kids off your hands for a while, drop off a meal, or do a load of laundry for you.
  • Reach out to other single parents. Find a support group so you can share ideas and thoughts with other parents who have similar problems.
  • Socialize. Whether your children spend alternating weekends with your ex or you need to recruit your mother to babysit, find a way to get yourself out of the house and into the presence of grownups when you can.
Parenting Advice – Are You a Parent?

Parenting Advice – Are You a Parent?

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Parent or Buddy?

We’ve all seen the parent who isn’t really the parent at all. There’s the ‘buddy’ parent who is joined at the hip with their child and doesn’t make a decision without consulting the child. Or the parent who has reversed roles completely with their kid and has made the child the responsible one. When your children are too young to make responsible decisions about much of their lives, is it healthy to live like roommates, or worse, as if you’re the child? Overwhelming research says no. It’s not healthy for the kids or the single parent, yet so many single parents do this very thing. So how do you transition from being a roommate with your kids to being the ‘head of the household’; the lone parent in charge? The first step is to be honest with yourself, recognize unhealthy parenting, and acknowledge that it needs fixing.

When reality hits and a single parent realizes that they are ‘it’; they are the parent in charge and need to take the lead, most of them panic. And while denial and regression are parts of the grieving process, staying stuck there is a disaster for the single parent and their children. The following is a parenting trap that many single parents fall into. If you find yourself relating to this ‘parenting style’ take a long honest look at yourself and ask; ‘do I really want to teach my kids how to be a victim and refuse to take responsibility, or do I want to teach them that taking responsibility for your circumstances leads to growth and a joyful life.’

The Promissory Note

Life does not hold any promises. Everyone knows that, right? Some single parents tend to replay society’s promises over and over. ‘If I do the right thing, look the right way, say the right things, the right mate will come along and we will live happily ever after. I followed the rules but they lied; they owe me!’

If you’re a single parent stuck in the ‘Promissory Note’ lie then you probably married young, gave up pursuing a career, and threw yourself into being a full time wife. That is until the kids came. And then your husband left you for another woman. He lied! He owes me! How dare he say that I stopped paying attention to him after the kids were born. I’m focusing on the kids for both of us. How dare he say that I never make an effort to look attractive anymore. Doesn’t he appreciate my efforts to be ‘super-mom’.

If you’re a single dad you probably married young, pursued your career, and threw yourself into being a full time husband/provider. That is until the kids came and being a provider became more important than being a husband. And then your wife leaves you. She lied! She owes me! How dare she say you’re never around and don’t know your own family anymore. Doesn’t she know that I was working long hours for them. How dare she say that I never make an effort to show you her I’m still attracted to her. Doesn’t she appreciate my efforts to be a great provider.

Parents with the Promissory Note mentality have a hard time letting go of how ‘unfair’ it all is. They refuse to take on the added responsibility of being a single parent (nurturer and provider). Instead they live as if their ex is still responsible for living up to their portion of ‘The promissory Note’, never wanting to acknowledge that the ex-spouse may also have a Promissory Note of their own, that was not lived up to by you. If you are stuck in the Promissory Note mentality you become the perpetual victim; forever focused on how you were ‘wronged’ so that you never have to work on your own short comings. This is an ineffective and unhealthy place to parent from.

The World is Unfair

If you are bitter because your spouse left you and ‘that’s unfair’, I have news for you: The world is not fair. But you already knew that. You didn’t just find this out when your marriage ended. You knew that life was not fair a long time ago. Maybe it was when your beloved pet died. Or when you realized that your best friend since kindergarten dumped you in middle school because your family wasn’t as ‘well off’ as theirs. We know the world is unfair, so why wallow in self-pity? Does it feel good? Well then ask yourself this: When was the last time you enjoyed being around someone who felt sorry for themselves and constantly reminded you that they were a poor helpless victim in a cruel world. You don’t want to be that bitter person, and you surely don’t want to raise your kids to be like that, do you? Everyone has past bad experiences; that’s part of life. Whether you choose to be a victim or a victor is your choice, and yours alone.

So, you can raise your kids as a parent who is the permanent victim of an unfair event that can never be recovered from. Or you can raise you children as a parent who has had many life experiences; one of which happened to be a divorce. I think the healthy choice is clear.