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Organization Tips for Single Parents

Organization Tips for Single Parents

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Dad and Son Reading

Let’s face it, life is BUSY!  And you’re a single parent so life is BUSIER!  Carving out some leisure/free/fun time for you and your kids takes some planning and organizational skills, but it’s worth it.

Who doesn’t want more free, fun time with their kids!  Let’s see how we can make more of that happen.

Daily Routines are Your Friends

Establish daily routines for your family so that everyone knows what’s expected of them. Routines won’t solve all of your battles, but there’ll be fewer surprises.  Bedtime routines as well as morning routines really help your single parent household run more efficiently.  Don’t forget homework, chores, and meal time routines.  Get yourself a dry erase board and have your routines in a place where everyone sees them often.  Routines definitely save you time.

A Family Calendar is a Must

Along with your routines board, you need a family calendar where everyone can see it.  Keep track of your special events, special school activities, and appointments, etc.  This cuts down on conflicts and lets you, and the kids keep track of the logistics of who needs to be where at what time.  An up to date family calendar will save you even more time.

Motivate your Kids to do their Chores

You’re a single parent.  You need to get household chores done on a daily basis but there’s no way you can do it alone.  You may disagree, but the fastest way to get the chores done (and with no whining) is to offer an incentive.  It could be money but it doesn’t have to be.  You can make the incentive internet access when their chores are done.  Whatever motivates your child.  Chores are more likely to get done quickly and properly if there is an incentive attached.

Plan Your Meals

Obviously you’re going to take your kids’ preferences into consideration, but it is a huge time and money saver when you plan your meals out weekly.  Planning your weekly meals out saves on trips to the grocery store – you only need to go once.  If you can pre-make meals for the week and freeze them, you save even more time.  An added bonus is family fun time together in the kitchen if your kids like to cook with you.

If you follow these tips you will be able to regain some precious time that you and your kids can use for more enjoyable things, like spending some fun leisure time together.

When is it OK to Leave my Children Home Alone?

When is it OK to Leave my Children Home Alone?

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As a single parent you may be asking yourself, ‘when can I start leaving my children home alone?’ This may be out of necessity or because your children seem mature enough and don’t want to go with you everywhere you go.

Before you make the decision to leave you children home alone there are many things to consider. The following is a link to an article that covers everything that you need to think about and address before you decide to leave your children at home without you.

Children Home Alone – Decide When to Leave Them Home

Keep Your Kids Safe from Preditors

Keep Your Kids Safe from Preditors

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The Sad Truth

Horrific stories about children being molested are common in the new today.  With the trial of Jerry Sandusky, the alleged abuse of Bishop Eddie Long of Atlanta, and the painful memories of priests abusing young boys in the Catholic Church, single parents need to be more proactive when it comes to protecting our children. It’s unfortunate that as single parents our job is made that much harder because we once looked to ‘respected’ men in the community to mentor our children, particularly boys.

Not Stranger Danger

Most children get the ‘stranger danger’ talk early and often; at home and at school.  But when the potential danger is someone who is familiar and around our children everyday, things get confusing.  Teachers, coaches, pastors, and even family members are people our children should be able to trust, but that’s not always the case.

Single moms should not give anyone too much access to their children even if they are in positions of authority. In The Myth of the Broken Home-Guidebook for Single Parents “Strangers” are obvious, but “Strange Nots” are very familiar to children. They include people who are around our children everyday including family members, teachers, preachers, friends. These are people our children should be able to trust, but as we know, it’s not always the case. Children should be taught to apply some of the same protective techniques with familiar adults as with strangers.



What Can You Do?

Child molesters have very specific predatory skills much like many offenders. Here are some tips to help you lessen the chances of your child from being a victim.

  1. Monitor your child’s interaction with strangers and use every interaction as a teaching moment. Your child needs to know what to do in situations with strangers first. Once they know how to react to ‘Stranger Danger’ you will be able to start teaching them about ‘Not-So Stranger Danger’.
  2. If you are actively dating; never invite the men you meet into your home. This is not just for your children’s safety, but your own as well. Be very causious about jumping into a relationship too fast. If you develop a friendship with a male, spend time with him outside your home. Meet at a restaurant or a local coffee shop.
  3. Know the whereabouts of your children at all times. Know where they are, what they are doing, and who they are with. This is very important. Your children should also know that they need to contact you if there is any change in plans; before the change happens.
  4. Openly communicate with your child about their body and what is private. Let them know that their body is their own; and if someone is making them uncomfortable by touching them they should say so. Even if it’s just a hug. Children need to know that they have the right to say no to someone touching them. They also need to be comfortable enough to tell you, their parent, if it happens.

 

Single parents, are often exhausted and sometimes burdened, but we still must do our best to protect our children as best we can.

Apophenia: 5 Secrets to Success

Apophenia: 5 Secrets to Success

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If you are the Type A – Uber-Achiever who just happens to be a single parent, this post is for you.

 

1. “Demo or die.” This was the mantra at the Media Lab and i absolutely detested the process of having to demo Lab work to every visitor who entered the building. It was exhausting and repetitive. Looking back, i can’t tell you how much this changed my world. Through the Lab, i learned to be able to present anything on the fly to any audience. I learned how to squeeze a 30 minute talk into 5 minutes and build on a 5 minute talk to fill an hour with useful information. I learned how to read what people knew and adjust what i was showing them to their interests and level of knowledge. Speaking and expressing ideas to a wide variety of audiences is so important. And it takes practice. A lot of practice. You can’t just hide in a library cubicle for years and then expect to give a stellar job talk. The reason that i speak so often is that i think that i need the practice. I want to learn to get my point across. Sometimes, i fail, but i keep trying.

(This also applies to writing. Be able to write to any audience. Learn to write an op-ed, a persuasive blog post, an academic article, anything and everything! I detest writing; that’s why i started blogging my ideas. Practice practice practice.)

2. “Learn the rules. And then learn how to break them.” I was a punk kid who refused to follow by anyone’s rules. I got kicked out of everywhere. I thought that this was radical. When i was in high school, my mother explained that one of her best skills was telling people to fuck off and go to hell in a ladylike way so that they didn’t even know how to respond. Over the years, i realized that there is immense power in understanding the rules and norms and tweaking them to meet your goals. Rejecting society is fun as a kid; figuring out how to circumnavigate barriers to entry is more fun as an adult. Do it with grace, kindness, and sincerity. (I fear that explicitly stating examples of this here might get me into trouble.)

3. “Diversify your life.” The term diversity is so loaded it’s painful, but i can’t think of a better word to explain what i want to explain. Get to know people from every walk of life. Read books from every discipline. Read different blogs. Attend conferences that address the same issue from a ton of different perspectives. And when you attend those conferences, spend 50% of the time with people you know well and 50% of the time with people that you barely know. One of the best decisions i made at SXSW this year was to not flit around but to hang out with one small group per night and really bond. I hate the concept of “social networking” because it seems so skeevy. The idea isn’t to build a big rolodex, but to build meaningful relationships that exist on multiple levels – professional, personal, etc. The more people and ideas you encounter, the more creative you’ll be able to be and the more that you’ll be able to contribute to a conversation on top of the things that you know deeply through your own work.

To read the entire post click here.

5 Tips for Single Parents with Teenagers

5 Tips for Single Parents with Teenagers

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Single parents and teenagers – these two words bring to mind the most challenging phases of life. I know because I was raised by a single parent, and not so long ago I was a teenager. I remember the life challenges my own mother encountered as a single parent. Here are 5 tips to help you navigate the ever changing challenges of being a single parent:

Remember you are still a family

Regardless of the circumstances your family is still a family – even if it does not have two parents. There are many single parent families that are emotionally healthy. It is a matter of choice, not luck. They choose to make their families emotionally healthy, fun and one that is filled with positive memories.

Parent Tip #1: Think about the ideals that you want your family to be known for, and write them down. Perhaps make a door hanger or craft that contains symbols of these ideals to remind you of them.

Talk with your teen about their feelings

As you may know, your teen may also be experiencing feelings of loss. Regardless of the age and circumstances, your child may have feelings of sadness or anger or just feeling different than their peers. Allow your son/daughter to talk to about how they are feeling. This will also help the relationship you have with them. If you are concerned about your teenager’s adjustment to the divorce, then I suggest you find a qualified professional counselor to help your teenager.

Parent Tip #2: Look for teachable moments. Those special times when you know your teen is really listening to you, and is engaged, and take advantage of it. Teachable moments are a rarity, so seize the moment. Fina a qualified professional counselor for your teenager to talk with to help adjust to the divorce.

Stay involved

As best you can, continue to be involved in their lives. Show them you are still committed to them despite your stresses. Consistency in your behavior will shout louder than your words.

Parent Tip #3: Attend school functions. Find those things you both have to do anyways throughout the week and do them together. Eat meals together. Go for a morning or evening walk together.

Teach responsibility

Teenagers are usually begging for parents to give them their independence. One of the best ways to teach responsibility is to give them chores to do around the home. Address chores not as something you are nagging them to do, but an opportunity for your teenager to show he/she is responsible to handle more independence.



Parent Tip #4: Start with small responsibilities and then work into more independence with greater responsibilities. For example, you may begin with teaching them to do their own laundry before letting them drive your vehicle.

Live within your means

Parents often incur a great deal of financial debt in order to “care” for their teenagers. They want them to have the right kind of clothes, have their own cars and other “necessities” the teenager says they “need.” This approach is lose-lose for everyone. Teenagers are not taught about proper spending, and the parents’ credit card bills stack up as does their financial stress.

Parent Tip #5: Educate your child on healthy spending habits. If they are of employment age, have them work to earn money to pay for their own “necessities.” Likewise, educate yourself on healthy spending habits.

Single parenting may not be the ideal parenting circumstances. However, it can be done right with children that are happy, confident, and achievers. Each parent can play an essential role in their children’s well being. How about you? Are you struggling being a single parent? Take the reigns of being a single parent to make a difference in the life of your teenager! Do it now before your teenager becomes a young adult.

Parenting Advice – Are You a Parent?

Parenting Advice – Are You a Parent?

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Parent or Buddy?

We’ve all seen the parent who isn’t really the parent at all. There’s the ‘buddy’ parent who is joined at the hip with their child and doesn’t make a decision without consulting the child. Or the parent who has reversed roles completely with their kid and has made the child the responsible one. When your children are too young to make responsible decisions about much of their lives, is it healthy to live like roommates, or worse, as if you’re the child? Overwhelming research says no. It’s not healthy for the kids or the single parent, yet so many single parents do this very thing. So how do you transition from being a roommate with your kids to being the ‘head of the household’; the lone parent in charge? The first step is to be honest with yourself, recognize unhealthy parenting, and acknowledge that it needs fixing.

When reality hits and a single parent realizes that they are ‘it’; they are the parent in charge and need to take the lead, most of them panic. And while denial and regression are parts of the grieving process, staying stuck there is a disaster for the single parent and their children. The following is a parenting trap that many single parents fall into. If you find yourself relating to this ‘parenting style’ take a long honest look at yourself and ask; ‘do I really want to teach my kids how to be a victim and refuse to take responsibility, or do I want to teach them that taking responsibility for your circumstances leads to growth and a joyful life.’

The Promissory Note

Life does not hold any promises. Everyone knows that, right? Some single parents tend to replay society’s promises over and over. ‘If I do the right thing, look the right way, say the right things, the right mate will come along and we will live happily ever after. I followed the rules but they lied; they owe me!’

If you’re a single parent stuck in the ‘Promissory Note’ lie then you probably married young, gave up pursuing a career, and threw yourself into being a full time wife. That is until the kids came. And then your husband left you for another woman. He lied! He owes me! How dare he say that I stopped paying attention to him after the kids were born. I’m focusing on the kids for both of us. How dare he say that I never make an effort to look attractive anymore. Doesn’t he appreciate my efforts to be ‘super-mom’.

If you’re a single dad you probably married young, pursued your career, and threw yourself into being a full time husband/provider. That is until the kids came and being a provider became more important than being a husband. And then your wife leaves you. She lied! She owes me! How dare she say you’re never around and don’t know your own family anymore. Doesn’t she know that I was working long hours for them. How dare she say that I never make an effort to show you her I’m still attracted to her. Doesn’t she appreciate my efforts to be a great provider.

Parents with the Promissory Note mentality have a hard time letting go of how ‘unfair’ it all is. They refuse to take on the added responsibility of being a single parent (nurturer and provider). Instead they live as if their ex is still responsible for living up to their portion of ‘The promissory Note’, never wanting to acknowledge that the ex-spouse may also have a Promissory Note of their own, that was not lived up to by you. If you are stuck in the Promissory Note mentality you become the perpetual victim; forever focused on how you were ‘wronged’ so that you never have to work on your own short comings. This is an ineffective and unhealthy place to parent from.

The World is Unfair

If you are bitter because your spouse left you and ‘that’s unfair’, I have news for you: The world is not fair. But you already knew that. You didn’t just find this out when your marriage ended. You knew that life was not fair a long time ago. Maybe it was when your beloved pet died. Or when you realized that your best friend since kindergarten dumped you in middle school because your family wasn’t as ‘well off’ as theirs. We know the world is unfair, so why wallow in self-pity? Does it feel good? Well then ask yourself this: When was the last time you enjoyed being around someone who felt sorry for themselves and constantly reminded you that they were a poor helpless victim in a cruel world. You don’t want to be that bitter person, and you surely don’t want to raise your kids to be like that, do you? Everyone has past bad experiences; that’s part of life. Whether you choose to be a victim or a victor is your choice, and yours alone.

So, you can raise your kids as a parent who is the permanent victim of an unfair event that can never be recovered from. Or you can raise you children as a parent who has had many life experiences; one of which happened to be a divorce. I think the healthy choice is clear.