Single Parent Wealth

One of the scariest and yet the most liberating days of my life was the day I became a single parent. I felt liberated by the end of the adult relationship that was like a roller coaster ride through fire and brimstone. The source of my fear was the idea that there was every potential for failure as a single parent. Failure in this aspect wouldn’t just be a bump in the road for me. Failure would mean a life altering event for my young son.

Weight of Realization

The first thing you have to do is make the choice to be a single parent. Most people think the hard part of this choice is whether or not to leave the significant other. I disagree. When that stuff is over, it’s over, whether you want it to be or not.
To be a single parent is to know that the entire weight of raising a child is on you. That’s a pretty heavy load some days. But don’t get the idea that being a single parent is a terrible thing. There are tons of times when I realize without question, that I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Enjoy Your Own Company

Social situations become a bit limited when you’re a single parent. I spent two years using a chat room for my social interactions. I didn’t want to leave my son with a sitter and I needed some adult conversation. As you can imagine, this didn’t lead to a real active romantic life. For some reason men actually seem to want to spend time with the woman they’re interested in and I just didn’t have any to spare.

Being comfortable with yourself also means being able to deal with the shorter, younger version of you. Some of your traits, good and bad are going to wear off on your child. My son argues the exact same way I do. He also giggles when he’s in trouble, just like I do. These are not things that go over well when I’m trying to teach him something. Since there is no “wait ’til your father gets home” in our house, I have to use that hated word, “patience”.

Creative Accounting

One of the hardest parts of being a single parent is the financial end of things. This just isn’t a department I excel in. I’m not a materialistic person, so I have no devotion to cash. But, my son sure likes technology and fancy things like dinner, electricity and a roof over his head. There have been times when I worked three jobs because there wasn’t any choice. Even when father’s pay child support, the powers that be aren’t always timely in getting the paper work in order.

Laugh Until You Cry

The single most important trait of a single parent is a sense of humor. There are too many times when you want to cry, but you have to laugh. I could sit and worry and stress, but guess what? What ever I happen to be stressed about is still going to be there when I’m done crying. I’d rather be doing something fun like dancing around the house with my kids.

Multi-task Like an Octopus on Caffeine

I don’t care what kind of classes you take or what kind of job you have. No one can multi-task like a single parent. We’re talking about things like fixing the car while making dinner and helping with the homework all while paying the bills and trying somehow to just smile your way through the day. I would even go as far as to say that being a single parent is similar to running a new obstacle course every day. Sure, it’s a fun and challenging adventure every day, but every now and then it would just be nice to be able to take a breath.

Grow an Extra Layer of Skin

The single parent is the one that catches everything. If your child is mad at you, you’ll deal with that. When the absent parent breaks their heart, you’ll be the one to dry the tears and take the brunt of the anger. The single parent is the parent that the child is most comfortable with. Because of that, we are the sounding board for almost every emotional trauma.

It is quite common for children of single parents to act differently when they are with the parent that they don’t live with regularly.  It’s like we are talking about two different children when I speak to my ex.  And in essence we are talking about two different children.  Many children don’t have the same comfort levels for both their parents, for various reasons.  Just do your part and provide your child with the save place to be himself and they will thrive.

Remember Your Life

It’s really easy to get caught up in the role of the single parent and lose sight of everything else. Then, one day our children are all grown up and embark on a life of their own.  And we have lost the person that we once were.  All this time we’ve been the on call support center, the short order cook, the Uber driver and completely abandoned ourselves in service to being a single parent. We drop everything if they need us for something and we work hard to make our home a happy comfortable place for them.

For a lot of single parents having their child move away to college is very eye opening!  We realize that we’ve lost sight of everything about ourselves but parenthood. It’s time to remember hobbies we used to have and dreams we had forgotten.  Better still, if your kids are still young teach them about boundaries.  Teach them how to be self sufficient.  Teach them to be proud of you for being your own person and maintaining a separate identity other than just being their parent.

Room to Gloat

So, with all these things being a part of what it takes to be a single parent, you might be thinking that it doesn’t sound too appealing. Just remember, every job has its rewards. When your child accomplishes something, you know you were the one right there every step of the way. When he does something kind and generous, you know it’s because that’s the way you live your life and they’ve been paying attention. Your child also has the ability to think for themselves so they use what they know to be proactive members of society.  While wiping the tears and paying the bills by yourself can be exhausting, those moments of pride and pure elation can’t be beat. You might have the responsibilities of two parents, but you also have twice the joy!

1 – Forgive Even if You Can’t Forget

Let go of grudges you may hold against your child’s other parent, who is absent from BOTH of your lives. Holding onto feelings of anger will not change your situation and will probably consume a great deal of your energy – energy you need to devote to creating a positive environment for your child. As a single parent, if you cannot forgive the other parent, you will struggle to move forward.  If you dwell on your disappointment with and/or dislike of the father or mother of your child – chances are your child will sense your feelings and suffer in some way from your negative attitude.

2 – Make the Most of Everything You Have

Even if you do not have a lot of money, you do have your child and your love and your time to give to him or her. Try to remember that monetary wealth and material possessions are not the most important items in your child’s life. Your love, support and time together mean much more to them. You can have fun for free. Activities like – going for a walk or a bike ride, playing at the park, coloring, painting, singing, or dancing – will thrill your child just as much as spending money to go to an amusement park, an arcade or a toy store.  If you need help with money management, maybe you could try an online tool such as mint.com, or the many other free tools online.

3 – Be the Best Parent You Can Possibly Be

Give as much as you can without setting goals that are unrealistic for one parent to achieve. Don’t beat yourself up for what cannot be. Do recognize what you can do to create a good life for your child to the best of your abilities.

4 – Develop a Network of Reliable Resources

Families are not biological. Surround yourself and your child with friends you know and trust – people who care about both of you. “Aunts” and “Uncles” and even “Grandparents,” who are not blood-related can be just as beneficial to your child as actual biological family members. The “family” you create for your child can provide him or her with the same kind of love and support as a traditional family. They can also help you with your responsibilities as a single parent. Let them play an active role in your child’s life. Learn to turn to your “family” when you need a break. Nobody should have to go it alone and you will probably be able to be a better parent by relying on your “family” of close friends to support you and your child.

5 – Take Responsibility for Your Life Today

Remember whatever lead you to where you are today, you are responsible for another life – the innocent life of a child, who didn’t ask to be born. Your child is not responsible for the experiences or events that made you become a single parent. Your child is completely dependent upon you through no choice of their own. Don’t let them down or hold them accountable for your actions (or the actions of their absent parent). They are powerless and vulnerable to the possibly less-than-ideal consequences they face as the child of a single parent. Your role and influence in their life is paramount to their chances of becoming a happy, productive, successful adult. They need you more than their words will ever tell.

6 – Set Up Daily Rituals and Regular Routines

Your child needs stability and security. One way to provide this is by developing a daily routine. Simple things like – going to the park every Sunday afternoon, eating dinner together each night, sharing a treat before nap time or reading a book together before bed every night, will become activities that your child looks forward to and can count on to occur with regularity.

7 – Be Consistent and Dependable

Create realistic rules and a standard of discipline that you stick to all the time. If you’re consistent with your child, he or she will learn what is acceptable behavior and what is not. They will also learn what you expect from them and what they can expect from you. If you’re dependable, they will know that they can always count on you to help them with their homework, be there for dinner or tuck them in bed at night. They have to be able to depend on you. You’re the most important person in their life. Try to remember that no matter how tired you are at the end of the day or how frustrated you may become when they’re fussy – They need you to be there for them. You should cherish every moment with your child – they are the best blessings on earth.