One of the scariest and yet the most liberating days of my life was the day I became a single parent. I felt liberated by the end of the adult relationship that was like a roller coaster ride through fire and brimstone. The source of my fear was the idea that there was every potential for failure as a single parent. Failure in this aspect wouldn’t just be a bump in the road for me. Failure would mean a life altering event for my young son.
Weight of Realization
The first thing you have to do is make the choice to be a single parent. Most people think the hard part of this choice is whether or not to leave the significant other. I disagree. When that stuff is over, it’s over, whether you want it to be or not.
To be a single parent is to know that the entire weight of raising a child is on you. That’s a pretty heavy load some days. But don’t get the idea that being a single parent is a terrible thing. There are tons of times when I realize without question, that I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Enjoy Your Own Company
Social situations become a bit limited when you’re a single parent. I spent two years using a chat room for my social interactions. I didn’t want to leave my son with a sitter and I needed some adult conversation. As you can imagine, this didn’t lead to a real active romantic life. For some reason men actually seem to want to spend time with the woman they’re interested in and I just didn’t have any to spare.
Being comfortable with yourself also means being able to deal with the shorter, younger version of you. Some of your traits, good and bad are going to wear off on your child. My son argues the exact same way I do. He also giggles when he’s in trouble, just like I do. These are not things that go over well when I’m trying to teach him something. Since there is no “wait ’til your father gets home” in our house, I have to use that hated word, “patience”.
Creative Accounting
One of the hardest parts of being a single parent is the financial end of things. This just isn’t a department I excel in. I’m not a materialistic person, so I have no devotion to cash. But, my son sure likes technology and fancy things like dinner, electricity and a roof over his head. There have been times when I worked three jobs because there wasn’t any choice. Even when father’s pay child support, the powers that be aren’t always timely in getting the paper work in order.
Laugh Until You Cry
The single most important trait of a single parent is a sense of humor. There are too many times when you want to cry, but you have to laugh. I could sit and worry and stress, but guess what? What ever I happen to be stressed about is still going to be there when I’m done crying. I’d rather be doing something fun like dancing around the house with my kids.
Multi-task Like an Octopus on Caffeine
I don’t care what kind of classes you take or what kind of job you have. No one can multi-task like a single parent. We’re talking about things like fixing the car while making dinner and helping with the homework all while paying the bills and trying somehow to just smile your way through the day. I would even go as far as to say that being a single parent is similar to running a new obstacle course every day. Sure, it’s a fun and challenging adventure every day, but every now and then it would just be nice to be able to take a breath.
Grow an Extra Layer of Skin
The single parent is the one that catches everything. If your child is mad at you, you’ll deal with that. When the absent parent breaks their heart, you’ll be the one to dry the tears and take the brunt of the anger. The single parent is the parent that the child is most comfortable with. Because of that, we are the sounding board for almost every emotional trauma.
It is quite common for children of single parents to act differently when they are with the parent that they don’t live with regularly. It’s like we are talking about two different children when I speak to my ex. And in essence we are talking about two different children. Many children don’t have the same comfort levels for both their parents, for various reasons. Just do your part and provide your child with the save place to be himself and they will thrive.
Remember Your Life
It’s really easy to get caught up in the role of the single parent and lose sight of everything else. Then, one day our children are all grown up and embark on a life of their own. And we have lost the person that we once were. All this time we’ve been the on call support center, the short order cook, the Uber driver and completely abandoned ourselves in service to being a single parent. We drop everything if they need us for something and we work hard to make our home a happy comfortable place for them.
For a lot of single parents having their child move away to college is very eye opening! We realize that we’ve lost sight of everything about ourselves but parenthood. It’s time to remember hobbies we used to have and dreams we had forgotten. Better still, if your kids are still young teach them about boundaries. Teach them how to be self sufficient. Teach them to be proud of you for being your own person and maintaining a separate identity other than just being their parent.
Room to Gloat
So, with all these things being a part of what it takes to be a single parent, you might be thinking that it doesn’t sound too appealing. Just remember, every job has its rewards. When your child accomplishes something, you know you were the one right there every step of the way. When he does something kind and generous, you know it’s because that’s the way you live your life and they’ve been paying attention. Your child also has the ability to think for themselves so they use what they know to be proactive members of society. While wiping the tears and paying the bills by yourself can be exhausting, those moments of pride and pure elation can’t be beat. You might have the responsibilities of two parents, but you also have twice the joy!
