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Kids Go Through Your Divorce Too

Whether you’re already divorced or still in the thick of getting a divorce, I’m sure you’re concerned about the effect it’s having and will have on your kids. Let me first say that you shouldn’t beat yourself up too badly that you are getting divorced because current research indicates that the differences between kids in divorced versus intact families are much less than reported a few year back by so called ‘experts’.

Any parent who has gone through it can tell you that divorce and all the crap leading up to it (marital conflict and the separation), are very stressful times for any child. As hard as it is for you to deal with the emotional turmoil of separating, you get the added stress and guilt of your child showing signs of anxiety, depression, anger, insomnia, and problems at school.

You Can Help Your Child Become Adjusted and Happy Again

But even if you think that you cannot handle your own stress, let alone theirs, find that strength inside you that you didn’t know you had. Ask for divine help. Because the way you react to your child’s stress and the way he sees you handle your own will predict their outcome much more than the divorce itself.

You may not feel like you have any control over your divorce, but you definitely have control over how it will affect your future and the future of your children. The sooner you can start looking forward with hope, and quit looking back at the past with anger, sadness, or negativity; the better off you will be and the faster your child will adjust to their new life.

If you have hope for the future, they will also.

Dealing with Divorce or Death

So here you are, newly single with children. When you got married you never imagined you’d be in this place at this time in your life. But like so many, here you are wondering ‘what now’?

It doesn’t matter whether you became newly single in the blink of an eye and you didn’t want this; or whether you made the decision to become newly single after a long and painful attempt to keep it from happening. The fact is, a very intimate relationship has died. And before you can move forward in a healthy manner you must deal with the death of a very intimate relationship.

When the intimate relationship dies because of divorce or death, there are losses. For you to move forward with your life in a healthy manner, you must grieve the losses that you’ve incurred.

Newly Single. What Did You Lose?

Everyone’s list of losses will be different, but some of the more common ones are:

The loss of your companion, spouse, significant other.
You lose marital status. which can make you feel like you have less value.
The hopes and dreams that you once shared with your spouse are gone.
You may lose children that were not biologically yours.
Financial the losses can be overwhelming.

If you truly want to move forward in a healthy fashion, you really need to process all that you are going through as a newly single person. Then let the grieving process do what it needs to do in your life.

The Five Stages of Grief

These are what psychologists say are the five stages of grief:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Resolution/Acceptance

Generally, everyone goes through all five, but everyone is different when it comes to how long they stay in each stage of grief. And some people move back and forth through the stages of grief.

Time Heals

Give yourself all the time you need to grieve your losses. You will be so glad that you let yourself heal because you will make much better choices for yourself and your children.

Just remember that you don’t get over pain; you get through it. Almost all growth involves pain. And if you let it, the pain from this divorce or death can bring about the birth of a brand new life for you. But only if you will allow yourself to grow from this pain.

I have read many articles over the years about how this time of year can really take people to the edge, mental health-wise.

Heather at Dooce has written a very personal article about her struggle with depression and how she found relief. I think it is an awesome article and encourage you to read it. And if you are struggling with depression issues, please talk to your doctor.