I live in Texas and I knew that you could safely leave a newborn at a hospital or fire station and they wouldn’t ask any questions.  I personally think that it is a good thing.

Apparently in Nebraska they recently passed a similar law only they didn’t state an age limit.  And since that time parents have been dropping kids off who are much older than newborn.  The article states that many of the ‘drop off’ parents are single parents.  It angered me at first when I read this comment, but the truth is, IT IS VERY HARD to raise children as a single parent.

The sad fact is, society and the government don’t do enough to support single parents.  Hopefully this will change in the near future as the realization that almost 20% of all first marriages end in divorce.  And the percentage increases with each additional marriage.

After reading this article, I don’t know what the best answer is…

The Abandoned Children of Nebraska - TIME

I recently read some articles written by other single parents and here are some thoughts on the secrets to single parenting success.

Spend Less Time Cleaning

This can be accomplished in different ways.  One way is to train the kids to pick up after themselves.  And to have a ‘place’ for everything so they know where to put things.  This cuts down on your cleaning time.  If you give allowance, have it tied to chores around the house.  And the obvious way to spend less time cleaning is to lower your standards and let things be messier than you’d like some of the time.

Make Time for Yourself

It is very important to carve out some time each week for you.  Whether that’s meeting other adult friends for dinner or coffee; or just spending time alone to read a good book.  If you respect yourself and your alone time, your kids will too.  And life will be a whole lot less stressful when you give yourself permission to be the priority once in while.

Be a Consistent Parent

Every parent has their own parenting style.  No two are exactly alike and that’s fine.  But inconsistent parenting is not good for children.  When structure, and boundaries are haphazard and random, children can’t relax because they don’t know what to expect.  This sets them up for all sorts of potential problems down the road.  So even when they complain and test the boundaries, and they will; know that you are doing them (and you) the biggest favor by being the consistent parent.

Stay Healthy

Make your health your highest priority.  For many single parents, if you’re not there for your kids, no one will be.  It’s so easy to get caught in the habit of giving all of yourself to others; especially your kids.  But this is a mis-guided notion at best.  Remember the flight attendants’ directive:  Should there be a loss of cabin pressure, secure your oxygen mask first then assist others.’  Staying healthy should include exercise, eating right, and reducing stress.

Find Time for Fun

You can be the fun parent too.  There are many ways you can incorporate fun into just about anything.  My son has a laundry hamper in his room so we practice our free throw shots at night with his dirty laundry.  Have a home movie and popcorn night.  Take your kids to the park, go fishing or ride bikes with them.  You and your kids will really benefit from this bonding time.

Being a single parent can be a challenge even on the best of days.  But it can be a joyful challenge when you set your priorities, and focus on the important things.

Happy Single Parenting!

Since my divorce, I’ve always tried to make sure that my son didn’t feel like he needed to pick one parent over the other. I have also tried to stay out of any problem that he was having at the ‘other’ house.  I would tell him that his dad and step mom made the rules at that house, so he needed to resolve the issue with them. Now that my son is older and can choose, he has decided that he does not want to spend time with that family, but he does want to see his dad. Now my ex is making him choose. Unless my son is willing to spend time with all of them, my ex won’t come and spend a day with him. I feel bad for my son but when I ask him about it he just says, ‘It’s too stressful for me there and I’m trying to have a better life.’

Trying to Do What’s Best

For me it seems easier to just have my son all the time. My ex used to travel a lot and so his time with our son was sporadic, which was hard.  Our son never really bonded with his ‘other’ family because of this.  Making him go to a house where he couldn’t relax just didn’t seem right.  His dad still calls him often but my son’s schedule is such that many of the calls are missed and I often have to remind him to call his dad back.

In The Beginning

When I was newly separated and my son was gone for a weekend or holiday it was very hard because I missed him so much.  I would sometimes be so depressed that I almost couldn’t move. On those days I’d set an egg timer for 15 minutes. I would then force myself to do something (anything) for that amount of time. I would tell myself ‘You can do anything for 15 minutes’. When those minutes were up I’d set it again. There were some days that 15 minute intervals were the only way I was going to make it through a weekend.  I did a lot of cleaning, organizing and reading back then.

If you find it hard when you are without your kids, make sure that you have planned some enjoyable things to do for yourself. Don’t make a hard situation worse by staying home alone and amplifying your loneliness.

1.  Go Outside

Sunshine and fresh air can do great things to you mentally and physically.  Go for a walk or to a park with your kids.  Parks are a great way to have some fun with your kids that costs nothing.  Take your bike or roller blades and get your blood flowing.  Or toss around a ball or Frisbe.

2.  Read Something Inspirational

Getting inspired by reading about others who lifted themselves up and out of adversity can really change a gloomy mood.  Or read something written by a great motivational speaker and see how inspired you get.

3. Turn on Some Music

Do you remember when you were younger and loved to dance around and sing to your favorite music?  You just can’t stay unhappy when you’re dancing and singing to your favorite songs.  Maybe music from when you were in high school.  Yes, your kids might think you’ve lost your mind, but that’s okay.  Maybe they’d think it was fun if you had a kareoke night with them.

4. Plan a Fun Outing

Search your local newspaper for fun events in your area.  Many events are inexpensive, so you don’t have to spend a lot to have fun.  This could be something you do for yourself or with the kids.  It’s refreshing to venture out where you’ve never been.

5. De-clutter a Room in Your House

When your home is cluttered it can be hard to be cheerful.  If one room is too daunting, then pick a closet or a drawer.  When that’s done, move on to the next small de-cluttering project.  Donate or sell the things you don’t need.  Throw out the junk.  See how good this makes you feel.

6.  Be Creative

Try your hand at drawing or painting.  Make something out of clay or paper mache.  Teach yourself how to play an instrument.  There are all kinds of way you can express your creativity, just pick one or two of your favorite ways and start creating your masterpiece.

7.  Help Others

Sometimes the best way to get out of a blue mood is to go out and help those less fortunate than you.  Sometimes when you’re in a depressed mood it seems that everyone else on the planet is happier or better off than you.  Helping others helps you to be thankful for what you have, even if it might not seem like much at the time.

8.  Do Something Nice for Yourself

Get a massage or go to a salon and get an updated haircut.  Buy yourself something nice like a new outfit or new perfume/cologne.  Light some scented candles, turn on some music and take a long bubble bath.  Take yourself out to dinner, or make yourself a fabulous dinner at home.

9. Throw a Party

You don’t need to have any reason to throw a party.  Just pick a theme and go with it.  Plan your party foods and decorations around your theme.  The possibilities are endless.  Then put together your party guest list, pick a date and start preparing.  Just be sure you don’t over extent yourself.  You don’t want your party to be a stress inducer.

10.  Movie Marathon

This one is always good if the kids are with the other parent.  Go rent a bunch of your favorite movies and have a movie marathon night.  Comedies are especially useful when you need to get out of a depressed state.  It’s hard to be in a bad mood when you are laughing.  Pop some popcorn and get into some comfy clothes, then start watching.

If you have any other tips on how to get out of a depressed mood, please let us know.

A few days ago Wendy wrote an awesome article about being a scared single mom living with her parents. Many single parents will be able to relate to her story. And hopefully you will be inspired to greatness by what she has been able to accomplish.

Please read her article on being a single mom, and find out how you too can move on to great things; no matter where you are in life right now.

Drive at 55 mph

This particular tip can save you the most. If you’re the impatient type, this may be a bit of a challenge but driving 55 mph instead of higher speeds will save you money. When you increase your speed from 55 to 65 mph, your car’s fuel economy can drop around 5 mpg. According to Consumer Reports a Toyota Camry getting 40 mpg driving 55, got only 35 mpg when it sped up to 65 mph. Increasing your speed from 65 to 75 mph could cost you another 5 mpg. This is due to aerodynamic drag. Simply put, the faster you go the harder it is to push your car through the air, therefore you use more fuel.

Avoid Quick Starts and Stops

Try to avoid hitting the gas too fast when you’re coming off of a red light. The same is true for the opposite. Try to avoid braking too fast. These quick stops and starts can reduce your mileage by 2 to 3 mpg. Also once you get up to speed, try to keep your speed consistent. Smoothly accelerating, cornering, and braking will also extend the life of your car’s engine, transmission, brakes, and tires.

Reduce Unnecessary Drag

At highway speeds, more than 50 percent of your car’s engine power is used just in the process of overcoming aerodynamic drag. Don’t make matters worse by carrying things on your roof rack if it can be avoided. Even driving with empty roof racks on your car reduces its fuel economy somewhat.

Does Your Car Really Need Premium Fuel?

If your car says regular fuel is fine, don’t buy premium thinking it will make your car run better. It won’t. Most cars are designed to run just fine on regular gasoline. Even many cars that say use premium gas will run just fine on regular. Consumer Reports said that it found that the differences were negligible during normal driving. To find out if your car really needs premium gas, check your owner’s manual.

Minimize Starting From a Cold Engine

Engines run most efficiently when they’re warm. So help it stay warm by grouping as many of your errands together as you can. Starting your engine from cold each time can reduce fuel economy by almost 4 mpg. Engines also produce more pollution and wear faster when they’re cold.

Keep Your Tires Inflated Properly

If your tires are underinflated by 10 psi, you could expect around 1 mpg loss when you are doing highway driving. More importantly though, underinflated tires wear faster. Your car’s handling and braking are less effective. And they run much hotter, which increases your chances of a blow out. Check your car’s tire pressure least once a month with a tire gauge. The owner’s manual explains how to do it.

Avoid Idling for Long Periods

You are basically getting zero miles per gallon when your car is in idle. A big Buick with a V8 engine ate up about an eight of a gallon of gas sitting in idle for 10 minutes. Smaller cars would obviously use up less, but over time all of your idling adds up. If you expect to sit for more than a minute, turn off your engine.

I hope these tips help. Happy driving!

In general, a healthy human being divides their energy between four different areas:

When you’re dealing with divorce those 4 areas experience upheaval and uncertainty.

Emontionally, you feel alienated. No one seems to understand what you’re going through. Your fears are escalated as you wonder what will happen next. And your emotions seem to take over your life.

Spiritually, your faith is shaken as your emotions keep you asking yourself ‘why this is happening?’ (over and over).

Mentally, you find yourself unfocused and forgetful. Your mind gets stuck on all the emotional, ‘if only I had/they had done ________ (fill in the blank) questions.

Physcially, you lack motivation. Your drive or desire to do things dwindles. You feel tired a lot of the time. You don’t know where your energy went.

When you are newly single, the emotional responses to this trauma can cause a huge energy drain. Psycologists say that up to 80% of your energy can be used up by your emotions during this time. That is why even simple tasks can sometimes seem so hard to accomplish. Or why just getting out of bed may seem like a monumental task. This is also why you should allow yourself time to heal a bit before you get into a new relationship.

With time and a desire to move forward, your energy will become more balanced. Finding support through family, friends or a group will help you to adjust to being newly single. Setting short term goals for yourself will also get you on the road to healing and being more balanced.

Whether you’re already divorced or still in the thick of getting a divorce, I’m sure you’re concerned about the effect it’s having and will have on your kids. Let me first say that you shouldn’t beat yourself up too badly that you are getting divorced because current research indicates that the differences between kids in divorced versus intact families are much less than reported a few year back by so called ‘experts’.

Any parent who has gone through it can tell you that divorce and all the crap leading up to it (marital conflict and the separation), are very stressful times for any child. As hard as it is for you to deal with the emotional turmoil of separating, you get the added stress and guilt of your child showing signs of anxiety, depression, anger, insomnia, and problems at school.

You Can Help Your Child Become Adjusted and Happy Again

But even if you think that you cannot handle your own stress, let alone theirs, find that strength inside you that you didn’t know you had. Ask for divine help. Because the way you react to your child’s stress and the way he sees you handle your own will predict their outcome much more than the divorce itself.

You may not feel like you have any control over your divorce, but you definitely have control over how it will affect your future and the future of your children. The sooner you can start looking forward with hope, and quit looking back at the past with anger, sadness, or negativity; the better off you will be and the faster your child will adjust to their new life.

If you have hope for the future, they will also.

So here you are, newly single with children. When you got married you never imagined you’d be in this place at this time in your life. But like so many, here you are wondering ‘what now’?

It doesn’t matter whether you became newly single in the blink of an eye and you didn’t want this; or whether you made the decision to become newly single after a long and painful attempt to keep it from happening. The fact is, a very intimate relationship has died. And before you can move forward in a healthy manner you must deal with the death of a very intimate relationship.

When the intimate relationship dies because of divorce or death, there are losses. For you to move forward with your life in a healthy manner, you must grieve the losses that you’ve incurred.

Newly Single. What Did You Lose?

Everyone’s list of losses will be different, but some of the more common ones are:

The loss of your companion, spouse, significant other.
You lose marital status. which can make you feel like you have less value.
The hopes and dreams that you once shared with your spouse are gone.
You may lose children that were not biologically yours.
Financial the losses can be overwhelming.

If you truly want to move forward in a healthy fashion, you really need to process all that you are going through as a newly single person. Then let the grieving process do what it needs to do in your life.

The Five Stages of Grief

These are what psychologists say are the five stages of grief:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Resolution/Acceptance

Generally, everyone goes through all five, but everyone is different when it comes to how long they stay in each stage of grief. And some people move back and forth through the stages of grief.

Time Heals

Give yourself all the time you need to grieve your losses. You will be so glad that you let yourself heal because you will make much better choices for yourself and your children.

Just remember that you don’t get over pain; you get through it. Almost all growth involves pain. And if you let it, the pain from this divorce or death can bring about the birth of a brand new life for you. But only if you will allow yourself to grow from this pain.

I have read many articles over the years about how this time of year can really take people to the edge, mental health-wise.

Heather at Dooce has written a very personal article about her struggle with depression and how she found relief. I think it is an awesome article and encourage you to read it. And if you are struggling with depression issues, please talk to your doctor.