When the Children are with Your Ex
Helping My Child Cope
Since my divorce, I’ve always tried to make sure that my son didn’t feel like he needed to pick one parent over the other. I have also tried to stay out of any problem that he was having at the ‘other’ house. I would tell him that his dad and step mom made the rules at that house, so he needed to resolve the issue with them. Now that my son is older and can choose, he has decided that he does not want to spend time with that family, but he does want to see his dad. Now my ex is making him choose. Unless my son is willing to spend time with all of them, my ex won’t come and spend a day with him. I feel bad for my son but when I ask him about it he just says, ‘It’s too stressful for me there and I’m trying to have a better life.’
Trying to Do What’s Best
For me it seems easier to just have my son all the time. My ex used to travel a lot and so his time with our son was sporadic, which was hard. Our son never really bonded with his ‘other’ family because of this. Making him go to a house where he couldn’t relax just didn’t seem right. His dad still calls him often but my son’s schedule is such that many of the calls are missed and I often have to remind him to call his dad back.
In The Beginning
When I was newly separated and my son was gone for a weekend or holiday it was very hard because I missed him so much. I would sometimes be so depressed that I almost couldn’t move. On those days I’d set an egg timer for 15 minutes. I would then force myself to do something (anything) for that amount of time. I would tell myself ‘You can do anything for 15 minutes’. When those minutes were up I’d set it again. There were some days that 15 minute intervals were the only way I was going to make it through a weekend. I did a lot of cleaning, organizing and reading back then.
If you find it hard when you are without your kids, make sure that you have planned some enjoyable things to do for yourself. Don’t make a hard situation worse by staying home alone and amplifying your loneliness.
